Aardvark takes top billing on Altavista

Well it had to happen - we've gone straight into the charts at number one!

We are now the definitive site for Atamyrat on the Altavista search engine.

Check this out!

Come on Google - get your lazy asses in gear and get us indexed! Just because you're number one is no reason to get over copmplacent.

Let's get Aardvark and Atamyrat on the Google!

Headgear moves on to the next stage in evolution

Yesterday's posting was something of a succees. The number of hat fetishists out there was a bit of shock - please tone down the language and content in future emails - I had to double Betsy's Prozac ration - she was in a complete state after reading some of your ravings.

Anyway, here's another fine bit of Turkmen head gear for your visual stupefaction. This would go down a treat in Haight Ashbury (or so Bruce tells me).



Let's keep on keeping Atamyrat on the hat map!

Out at Last!

Well I shouldn't have talked about eerie parallels. That was a mistake. But no concrete booties or unplanned underwater swimming lessons. So all is well.

At least some good PvD was playing in the exercise yard during our circular walking part of the day.

I think I'll have another Prozac washed down with a Margarita for now and sign off.

Maybe I'll feel more like blogging again tomorrow.

Meanwhile here's a photo showing a decent bit of Turkmen head gear (although clearly not a Turkmen head).



No wonder the Kyrgyrs are revolting. At least we're not challenged in the hat department!

Let's keep Atamyrat on the good hat map!

Kaos in Kyrgyzstan

Well I'm sure you've all been reading avidly the latest news pouring out of Kyrgyzstan ( Kyrgyzstan leader condemns 'coup').

As the erstwhile leader of the Kygyrs Askar Akayev says - this coup is "anti-constitutional". (Bold added for effect! As far as we know, Askar spoke normally although with a certain amount of tension in his voice as would be expected from the recently deposed.)

(For students of political science, Aarvark suggests an investigation into consitutional provision for coups in the 1st and 3rd world as a suitable essay, project or thesis topic - this one has to be good for a Doctorate at least. As for the 2nd world - forget about it - nobody knows where it is - no good marks to be found there!)

There are eerie paralllels with the situation here in Turkmenistan. Of course Askar has nowhere near the personal magnetism and charisma of Sapa. But Atamyrat folks are getting pretty restive with the lack of Prozac^® supplies getting through. Also, Margarita inventories are heading for crisis levels as Atamyratians compensate for the lack of their regular chemical supplements in tablet form.

Of course, we are definately not as challenged as the Kygyrs in the hat department.



So that's a help!

But things could still get ugly! Cheery smiling camels can only achieve so much in the way of mood management.

Let's get the Prozac^® pipeline flowing across the map again!

Let's keep our map off CNN!

What No Limo!

A number of readers have asked why I didn't travel to Ashgabat in my limo.

Well here's the truth. Aardvark doesn't own a limo. I know you all have assumed that Aardvark is a rich club owner and business man. But this isn't so.

Only members of the Eurotrance Mafia and Government Officials can afford limos with their built-in 1000 watt speaker systems, pounding drum beats, Margaritas on tap and wonderful end to end aroma of best South Eastern Turkmenistan camel.

Aardvark is sadly but a simple, medium sized but energetic camel dropping trader with a sideline in importing from Holland the flowery hats so favored by the wives of local dignitaries. Alas, Aardvark missed out on the investing in the booming Eurotrance/House music scene before the Russian "investors" moved in. Still, he didn't end up at the bottom of the Amu Darya river wearing concrete booties - so let's think positive here without help from Prozac^® or Margaritas!

Aardvark travels by his faithfull camel Betsy or for short commuter hops on one of his two lively Kangaroos - Jumper and Bounder. Luckily Aardvark followed his own advice (Things to Look for When Buying a Camel) - her wonderful smile and strong holdings in Mid-Cap stocks always cheer him up even when he has missed out on his regular chemical supplements.

So let's not talk about getting across the map quickly anymore!

Nightmare Journey

Well your man on the spot is having serious second thoughts about Sapa's new healthcare policy.

I'm just back from a round trip of 800 miles plus to Ashgabat and back to renew my Prozac^® prescription. Those Ashgabat drivers are lunatics! They simply don't take account of the different turning circle and acceleration characteristics of a South Eastern Turkmenistan camel. I was completely stressed out! I don't think I can do this again.

If this blog displays serious mood swings going forward, you'll know why.

Let's not have to keep crossing the map!

Sapa Transforms Healthcare

Our illustrious and far sighted leader Saparmurat Niyazov has taken a further step towards making Turkmenistan the leading edge and thinking man's country of the 3rd Millenium.

At a stroke (of the pen or the lash), he has made 90%+ of our country healthier!

Going forward (as we always do in our progessive society) all ill people will be sent to the capital city Ashgabat (see CIA map below) ensuring dramatic reductions in health problems in downtown Atamyrat and similar nightlife centers. All hospitals outside of Ashgabat will be closed down freeing up enormous sums of money to be spent on global promotion of the now very healthy Atamyrat Eurotrance club scene (Ibiza won't know what hit it!) as well as the odd new gold embellished statue of Sapa.

Follow this link for more details about this breakthrough in health care delivery.

Aardvark is convinced that this approach can be applied easily to other countries.

He suggests establishing four Centers for Disease (CDs) in the United States:

New York

Chicago

Dallas (only included to help sell this concept to GWB)

Los Angeles

This will help balance the budget for sure!

To avoid confusion with the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, it will henceforth be renamed as the Center for Illness Control (CIC - pronounced "sick").

Let's move sick people on the map to Ashgabat!

Aardvark Eats Humble Pie

It turns out that the only map on the internet which shows Atamyrat is the one used by the CIA. (Your humble blogger "who tells it how it is" is devastated!)

The CIA Map

Needless to say, Aardvark's research team is now in hiding wondering when the hit squad (or take-away team as we know them here) will strike. Next stop for all they know is a cell in the capital of another Middle Eastern country (country and capital city names withheld for reasons of self preservation).

To avert any further possible misunderstandings, Aardvark hereby goes on record that the CIA got this one right. (But that still doesn't account for their not mentioning the world class Margaritas we drink while soaking up our nightly ration of Eurotrance in the clubs of downtown Atamyrat.)

And as for the UK Foreign Office - hey guys the CIA out did you for sure on this one!

Let's get Atamyrat on a map that's not the CIA's!

Map Conspiracy Uncovered

The team of reseachers and media analysts behind Aardvark's Atamyrat Diary have uncovered a staggering fact.

All the internet maps showing Atamyrat sent in by readers are the same!

And our researchers can't find any more!

There is only one map!

And here is the map that Atamyrat is on:

University of Austin Map of Turkmenistan

There is clearly a major conspiracy at work here. What are the CIA and the British Foreign office up to? What about the so called Western liberal press? How many Turkmenistan studies programs are currently available in US or Canadian universities? How do Australians with relativies and friends in Little Sydney keep track of where their loved ones are? No wonder Paul van Dyk hasn't played our stadium - he couldn't find it!

This is the first step in a call for co-ordinated international action.

Stay tuned for further instructions.

Let's get Atamyrat on another map!

Atamyrat Man Takes Gold in La Paz

Oh fantastic news.

A neighbour Bruce of a camel driver friend of my brother's taxidermist's niece's best school friend's piano teacher's limo driver's uncle has recently had the honor of representing Turkmenistan in the International Sombrero Olympiad in La Paz - Bolivia. (And yes I know there are 8 people there and I should have been able to do it with seven - but what the heck - the real point is that Bruce and I are connected - that's what counts!)

Well it's not really. What really counts is that Bruce (a second generation Australian-Turkmen who is well known on the local club circuit) took the gold medal in the 800 metres rhythmic still life oil painting competition with his composition:

"Sombrero surrounded by Lilies and Pansies"

(And many thanks to the judges from Tajikstan and Armenia for giving Bruce well deserved scores of 10 and 10 for technical merit and superior brush control.)

This will get Atamyrat on the Map for sure!

(By the way - a number of kind and helpful readers have sent me maps of Turkmenistan showing me that Atamyrat is already on the map. Hey folks - it's a metaphor! Let's focus on the main game and not get distracted with details here!)

Let's all agree that Atamyrat is on the Map!

Why Are So Many Atamyratians Called Bruce?

People often wonder why there is such a vibrant Australian community in Atamyrat ("Little Sydney").

The answer of course is Kangaroo farming.

At one point there were great hopes (lead by our visionary leader) that the Kangaroo would replace the Camel as the primary form of eco-friendly transport.

However, this didn't work out quite as planned. First off, the Kangaroos didn't produce the same quantity of droppings as the camels, sparking a major potential crisis in our world leading camel dropping recycling industry. Secondly, your average Turkmen found the ride a tad bumpy.

So now kangaroos are mainly farmed for their eggs.

But the Aussies liked the night club scene and club/house/trance music that plays 24x7 in our Downtown Atamyrat elevators so much they have stayed. And we Turkmen like it cos we get to pull the Aussie Sheilas.

So it all works out - as our philosohphical leader has declared - it's Symbiosis in action.

Let's get Atamyrat on the Map!

Spotty Youth Extended in Turkmenistan

Our visionary leader has taken a giant leap forward towards correcting the growing tendency for kids to "grow up too early". By Presidential decree adolescence now extends in Turkmenistan to age 25 (and you can remain youthful until age 37).

The quote the President of the Acne Cream Manufacturers of Atamyrat (ACMAT):

"This dramatically grows the market for our products and will create additional employment in the tube and dispenser industries."

Already Acne related stocks on the Turkemistan Stock Souk have risen 23% since the announcement. Analysts see more upside to come.

Check out more details here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/2191117.stm

Keep tuned to Aardvark's Atamyrat Diary for more details on the huge growth opportunities in the Turkmenistan economy opened up by our visionary leader.

Let's get Atamyrat on the Map!

Saparmurat Niyazov

Turkmenistan's charismatic leader and frequenter of Downtown Atatmyrat's club scene Sapa Niyazov doesn't get as much publicity as President George Bush.



Let's take a small step to putting this right!

Here's some links to material on our "main man".

http://presidentniyazov.tripod.com/

http://www.turkmenistanembassy.org/turkmen/gov/presbio.html

So as you see, Sapa's a real cool dude and much more interesting and relevant that George the younger (or little Georgie as he's known in Bush family circles). Like when did GWB last express an interest is poetry?

Let's get Atamyrat on the Map!

The Guardian Gets it Right

With the complete nonsense about Turkmenistan put out by the CIA and the UK Foreign office (Complete Internet Nonsense), you may have thought that only Aardvark, your Turkmen on the spot, tells it like it is in downtown Atamyrat. But no, some folks at the Guardian also get out on the steets.

Check this out:

Turkmenistan

Saparmurat Niyazov, president of this Central Asian republic, is a man possessed of reformist zeal - leading to such exciting innovations as renaming months of the year after members of his family, making the issue of driving licenses contingent on passing a test on his spiritual writings, and ordering the construction of an ice palace in the desert. Last year, the great man turned his attention to Turkmenistan's television, and was displeased by the makeup on Turkmen newsreaders. "Female presenters," he declared, "wear too much whitening powder. Sometimes men do the same. This cannot be allowed." Since then, Turkmenistan's newsreaders have been obliged to deliver their nightly eulogies to the superhuman accomplishments of their president without cosmetic obstruction of the Turkmen "complexion the colour of wheat" Niyazov so admires. Interestingly, his own hair appears to be slicked with a combination of boot polish and lighter fluid.

View Original Article

Stay tuned to Aardvark's Atamyrat Diary - the blog that tells it how it is.

Let's get Atamyrat on the Map!