Keeping my head down

I'm sure you've all been wondering where I've been these last 3/4 weeks.

Well the answer is keeping my head down - Sapa's gone fighting mad.

The Turkmen armed forces have been conducting Exercise Formidable Motherland.

Doesn't mean much - well let's put it in simple terms:

A bunch of Turkmen dressed up in the sort of stuff you buy in army surplus stores have been going around firing off all sorts of guns and bigger things that go bang.

So it's not been safe to go out - particularly if you are a camel or a kangaroo and could provide good moving target practice.

Apparently Georgia and Ukraine are helping out with all this. Makes no sense to your earnest blogger - who wants a bunch of sweaty, heavily armed, gung-ho, "if it moves shoot first and forget about the question" (whatever it is that you are supposed to ask after you done the shooting) types living next door?

Anyway, Sapa says "Turkmenistan intends to go on outfitting its Armed Forces with sophisticated military hardware". So now the flights into Ashgabat will be full of besuited arms salesmen armed with DVDs of things that go bang with enthusiatic commentries in US accents on kill ratios and leathality co-efficients for some time to come.

Let's get Turkmenistan off the the arms salesman's favorite customers map!

By the way - the picture above is of an SU-25 - otherwise known as the "Frogfoot" - boy is that a scarey name for an aeroplane or what? - I bet the Ukrainians and the Georgians are having second thoughts now.

Is he a genius or a dyslexic - you go figure!

It turns out that America is not the only state with a language challenged leader.

We may have misunderestimated the impact of this on world affairs.

To quote GWB:

"I do know I'm ready for the job [the presidency]. And if not, that's just the way it goes."

How many other world leaders have said something similar in and in what languages? Who would know anyway with the code of silence which all international Diplomatic translators have to follow. Goodness knows what they hear - and by the time it's translated !! - it's no surprise there's always so much international tension.

Closer to home, we clearly have a very serious problem here in Turkmenistan. Our President can't even spell his own name!

Check these variants out:

Sapamurat &nbsp- Pravda (and Aardvark usually but not always)

Saparmurat - Currently the market leader (and the CIA so it can't be right)

Saparmyrat - The BBC (so it has to right)

Sapamyrat  - Currently rare but will be less so when Google scans this line

And if you think this entire blog is a blatant attempt to maximize search engine rankings, check out this page from another site covering Turkmenistan affairs and count the spelling variants. Aardvark is not alone!

If this is all a bit worrying, here's the kicker. Sapa is really Dr. Niyazov and Professor Niyazov as well as President Niyazov and the Turkmenbashi.

Saparmurat NIYAZOV - Ph.D., Grand Ph.D., Full Prof.

Honourable Prof. Dr. Saparmurat Niyazov (Turkmenistan) The President of the Turkmenistan Cavalier and Commander, PhD, Grand PhD, Professor. He was first among the Presidents of the countries and state chiefs, awarded with Cavalier and Commander Sign of the International Order "Science. Education. Culture". Saparmurat Niyazov - outstanding state figure, scientific with the worldknown name which has developed and successfully realizing Theory constant Non-interference of the Turkmenistan.

See here if you don't believe me and to see the above revelation in context. No wonder the Ruhnama is so hard to understand. Our president is a fully accredited mega brain! It's not for ordinary folks like your humble blogger.

Maybe there are secret cocktail recipes hidden in the text (a sort of Ruhnama code) but it will take far far greater brains than mine to fathom them out. I can't even make any sense of the text above - oh how different it would be if I had a brain like Sapa.

Let's map Sapa's brain and find out what's so special!

Sapamurat discounts brides and grooms

In a shock change of policy, foreigners will no longer be charged to marry Turkmen or Turkmenian women (not Turkwomen as you might reasonably expect). Check it out here - I did.

It was certainly a shock to me. I never knew about it in the first place! (Isn't it strange - sometimes you never notice things until they are gone - but let's not get philosphical here - whatever!).

It definately explains why my many proposals to visiting foreign young ladies (on peace corp work and the like) were rebuffed. I thought it might have been my choice of tradtional Turkmen hats or that they felt I was just after a green card. But no - this clearly wasn't the case - they simply didn't have the $50,000 available to pay for me!

So now this has all changed. No doubt I'll be married to a tall blond from Oklahoma or Arkansas before the year is out!

Anyway, I wish I'd invested in a Turkmenian brides site like this one before. I'm sure that they are already doing business like gangbusters since Sapa's discount offering became so widely know.

Well too late now - but maybe when I move to Kansas with my new bride I'll be less upset. Still, I also need to check out the Trance and Techno scene before jumping into marriage now that I'm going to be so much in demand. I'd hate to end up somewhere where they were only into Country Music. I mean - Paul van Dyk would turn in his grave at the thought if it wasn't for the fact that he isn't in one.

Let's get Turkmen brides (and grooms) on the map!

By the way - did you notice how in the picture on the BBC news site, Sapa appears to have aged since he gave out the hat prize just recently (see earlier blog). Who knows what's going there - maybe the treatment doesn't last that long - maybe the clones were out of sorts and Sapa had to turn up for the photo shoot himself.

The truth is out there

Aardvark has been contemplating ineffable mysteries and conspiracy theories.

Take the alleged picture of Area 51 above. How do we know it's Area 51? How do we know it's not a gas pipeline construction site just north of Atamyrat? Well of course, if I still had a camel, I could take a quick foray out into the deserts of Turkmenistan and clear this up.

But since Betsy did a runner, I can't and so we may never know for sure.

My investigations in this area started with the mysteries of Sapamurat Niyazov otherwise known as the Turkmenbashi.

Why does his age and hair look so different in different pictures? (See earlier blog on cloning etc). What's it with him and the CIA anyway? Do they know something we don't? (Probably they do and most likely it's wrong anyway. If ever a team needs to raise their game, it's the boys and girls from Langley High!)

How can you build an ice palace in the desert? What alien technology would be needed to keep it from melting? Who wants to sleep on a bed of ice? Only Eskimos and aliens from an ice planet if you ask me?

Who are these aliens anyway and why do they want to live here in Turkmenistan - don't we have enough problems already with the Australians and Norwegians? Is it our night life and creative drinks culture that attracts them?

What is the Ruhnama all about? Was it translated from some alien tongue? Is that why it doesn't have a lot to say about cocktails? What's it got to do with driving tests anyway? Shouldn't these focus on parallel parking and stop signs? Is this too difficult for our alien visitors who need a valid license to be able to rent a Hummer from Avis or Hertz?

Why is the Turkmen "complexion the color of wheat" preferred? What the problem with white or green? Is it easy to cover up green with make up so it looks wheat covered? I sense a cover up and piece of government mis-direction.

What's wrong with gold teeth? Are the aliens among us alergic to gold? Is this a ploy to allow aliens to take advantage of our world leading dentistry without giving the game away?

Anyway, Aardvark no longer takes any of this for granted. Here's a picture of his bedroom:

This is where your trusty blogmeister works on investigating alien mysteries and testing new cocktail mixes.

Watch this space for updates on both counts. To start with here is the latest cocktail breakthrough:

Sapamurat's Skull Crusher

Green Chatreuse

Tequila

Green Creme de Menthe

Kummel

A dash of Lime

Serve chilled. Optionally serve over crushed ice to achieve brain freeze and minimize the shock later.

A very vertibrate friendly mix if I say so myself. Certainly, it went down well with my tasting panel. And the green color of the drink blended nicely with their happy wheat colored faces.

Let's keep aliens off the official Turkmenistan map!

The Roonama strikes a blow for drinking freedom!

Well, was I completely fooled or was I completely and utterly fooled?

I should have realized not to take that e-mail from Betsy at face value. Boy, does she still bear a grudge about that careless if accurate comment about "faded looks". I mean, it's not like your average camel is anything to write home about at the best of times!

Back to the point, I have found out that Sapamurat Niyazov's best seller is not about cocktails at all. Having managed to locate a plentiful supply of copies to help meet the huge demand generated by my blog, I took a quick peak at the first copy as I was stuffing it into a jiffy bag to mail to a customer in Khartoom and whadya know - it's definately not about cocktails!

Check it out for yourself.

Anyway, I now have 14 pallet loads of copies which I picked up from a friend of Fakir who trades in this sort of thing. So if it looks like your kind of read, don't hold back - get your orders to me!

Of course, one thing we have established is the huge international demand for a cocktail mixing manual with a Central Asian flavor written a well known Turkmen.

So while I'm stiil lying low, I have started work on my own cocktail manual, the Roonama.

Here's a quick taster of recipes from the forthcoming best seller:

Aardvark's Atom Smasher - Sambuca, Gin, Godiva® Liqueur, Espresso, Ice

Spymaster - Banana Liqueur, Eggs, Lemon Juice, Vodka

Pan Galactic Gargle-Blaster - Bourbon, Bourbon, Gin, Soda, Soda Peppermint, Schnapps, Soda Walker Red Label, Cinnamon, Olive

Vampire Juice - Coconut Rum, Blue Curacao, Bacardi Limon, Orange Juice, Ice

Bird Shit - Blackberry Brandy, Tequila, Milk

Sweet Revenge - Cointreau, Melon Liqueur, Orange Juice

Dirty Diaper - Ice, Orange Juice, Rum, Tonic Water

Bunny Killer - Malibu Rum, Rum, Pineapple Juice, Orange Juice

So get all your PayPals and credit cards ready and stay tuned. Let's show Betsy how badly her nasty trick went astray! Let's help pay for the 14 pallets!

Let's get Roonama onto the cocktail circuit map!

Cocktail guide strikes gold!

The response to my last posting on Sapamurat Niyazov's best selling guide to cocktails and related spirits - The Ruhnama - has been huge. Everyone seems to want a copy.

Before, providing details of how to buy a copy, you really need to understand how much importance the Turkmen people and government attach to the whole nightclub and cocktail business. Check these facts out:

Every government office has a weekly study hour to discuss the Ruhnama

The Ruhnama has become the centerpiece of Türkmenistan's education system

Teachers are selected based on their knowledge of the tome

Türkmen literature classes focus on the Ruhnama

An English translation of the book provides materials for English classes

Graduations are contingent on a student's ability to answer questions on the Ruhnama

Nobody takes a good night out more seriously than a Turkmen!

Even the judiciary has to know their Margaritas from their Martinis. Earlier this year, top judges were put to the test.

A total of 35 judges from the regions and from Asgabat and also from the Supreme Court participated in this year's contest.

During all three rounds of the contest participants were asked about the content of the second book of Ruhnama and their answers, full and irreproachable, demonstrated the depth of their knowledge of Ruhnama.

For more details, check here.

In Turkmenistan, driving tests are based on knowledge of the Ruhnama. Our's is the only state in the world were citizens are trained in the art of getting home from the clubs while well loaded with a tank full of Margarita juice.

Let's keep driving across the map even if we're too far gone to know where we're going!

Of course, you don't just want to hear about this. You want a copy of your own. Well too late - they've all sold out! But check this blog and get your PayPal number ready. We're working on it!

Roo hits the juice at Sapa's new Ashgabat club!

Well the truth is out. Jumper didn't really go walk about! He hitched a ride on a truck to Ashgabat and has been hanging out at Sapa's new night club there.

Just look at the picture above that he e-mailed us.

I think he's trying to make a point that he's not as stupid as he appears.

But that makes no sense at all - it just takes a quick glance at the picture he sent to know that's not true. Jumper's clearly more than a few irons short of a full set! And that's when he's sober.



Sapamurat Niyazov's new night club (seen above) is called the Ruhnama after his best selling book of cocktail recipes Ruhnama - The Spirit Book. Here's his famous Margarita recipe:

2 parts freshly squeezed lime juice, with some pulp

2 parts Triple Sec or Contreau

1 part white tequila

1 part golden tequila

Truely we are blessed in Turkmenistan to have a far sighted and urbane leader with such a appreciation of the finer points of night club beverages and a visionary use of state funds to support our world leading night club scene.

The only fly in the oinment (as that rather strange saying goes) is his choice of talent to spin hard trance and techno at the club. Jumper rubbed salt in the wound by gleefully mailing that DJ Tiesto is to fly in later this week for a booking at the Ruhnama. Jumper added how much he's looking forward to seeing DJ Tiesto at last.

This is another major affront by Sapa to all the Paul van Dyk fans here in South East Turkmenistan. I hope the salt around the Margarita glasses makes Jumper's lacerated nose sting!

Let's keep DJ Tiesto at the other end of the map!